Response to “Why Masturbation Positivity is Sex Positivity”

I’m writing this blog in response to a post from The Thought Catalog about masturbation and why it should be viewed in a positive way. I tend to be a prude when it comes to talking openly about things like this, but in this situation, I have to make an exception.

My twenty-fourth birthday just passed and I’m nowhere near as sexually active as most people my age. To generalize, many of my twenty-something peers are either in short-term half-assed relationships, or just hooking up at Da Club with anything that moves while enjoying the final decade of relative youth. Either way, I’m not living like this, primarily by choice. In theory, I should be sad or embarrassed by it, labeling myself sexually repressed, or even sexually oppressed. Though there may be very little validity in those descriptions, I’ve come to view my sexual status in a positive way as self-pleasure is not only less work, but there can also be little to no emotion involved—no guilt, no walk of shame, no embarrassment and probably zero repercussion.

I first learned the magic at fifteen, probably years after most males do, and I won’t lie and say that it’s not a key part of my routine. However, I do go through spells of being a jackhammer for a few days or weeks, no pun intended, to being completely dormant. During the dormancy, I start to miss the few times in which I’ve actually engaged in the real thing, but then the time passes and it all goes out the window. I mean, I’ve had conversations with old friends and they’d joke about me needing the “real thing,” but the so-called “real thing” had been a let-down more often than not! This ultimately causes me to whip out the Vaseline and do it old-school.

The main idea of “Why Masturbation Positivity is Sex Positivity” is that one can never fully enjoy sex without knowing what really pleases them. I agree. Though the entire read had my attention, the following hit the nail in the coffin:

“If you’re only finding [sexual acts] worthwhile with another person, that’s dependence, which isn’t exactly the best foundation for a healthy sex life in the long run.”

FACT. Well, at least in my opinion, pardon the contradiction. I feel that because of today’s standards, masturbation is seen as a last resort, or a sign of loneliness and desperation. All too often, we’ve seen Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger give the “jack” signal to her hardheaded male clients, and even in relationships, masturbation is viewed as a no-no, sending a message that there is no longer an emotional connection. I disagree with that notion, but only to a degree as it depends on other things that may be going on as well. Either way, I can vouch for having felt masturbation more worthwhile with another person. I mean, it makes sense, as the other person serves as inspiration, right? The quote above helped me realize that one should be sexually independent, and that one should be able to seek sexual pleasure without relying on another body to be present. It’s all mental.

I’m all about exploration and learning. Yes, I’ve even explored with masturbation. Just as the article reflects, masturbation should be used as a tool to understand one’s inner sexual being, sort of a game of tennis against the wall, even if it includes the uncanny use of clothes pins, vibrating devices, feathers or even blunt objects (yes, I’ve heard of that). I also believe that this approach to hedonism would spawn a lot less…”hoes”…who opt for having gratuitous sex with randoms, many of whom they wouldn’t be able to pick out of a police lineup afterwards.

Realizing that I was interested in more than the rote […] sex that I always felt was the appropriate thing wouldn’t have been possible, or at least would’ve been harder to come by, without the internet and my imagination.

When engaging in intercourse, people always want to do things that provide the most heightened experience and best memory. After all, a huge part of sex, even casual sex, is communication. How are those involved supposed to communicate when a specific party doesn’t even know what to say or do? I’m definitely not a talker, so I’m not saying that “Oh baby, what’s my name,” or something wack like that, should be shouted at the top of one’s lungs. I’m hypothesizing a situation in which one party isn’t saying anything while the other is probably scrambling to actually make the encounter less of a waste of time. By this logic, two people of the same “expiro-masturbatory” mindset could eventually come together, take what they’ve learned and have a kick-ass time doing the nasty, all because they not only know their bodies and what makes them tick, but they’re able to share their spiritual and sexual discoveries with each other. I’m actually hella turned on visualizing that…

I also feel that so much casual sex and little to no “me” time can cause less enjoyment. By doing so, you’re always looking for something new; you’re going through people like Kleenex in search of something different and you’re steadily coming up short, causing a continuous cycle. A person who knows how to please themselves likely wouldn’t have to go through this, as they already know the “answer” to their “question.” I’d lump myself into this category. In the few instances that I’ve engaged in intercourse, I wasn’t able to fully enjoy them as I had developed unrealistic expectations, using the most recent experience, usually months prior, as a standard.

In summary, I’m not one of those people who thinks that sex is overrated. I’m at a place where I view it as something to be shared between two people who are committed to each other. But I’m not against casual sex, either, though it’s simply not for me. With that said, I and others should take advantage of our own motor skills and creativity to explore our body, mind and soul to learn and explore our desires first, rather than relying on others to make that judgment call.

Relax, relate, releassssssssse…

Feel free to check out the rest of my work on this site, as well as on TwitterYouTube, Google+ and Soundcloud. Toodaloo.

Javan H. Signature

The image used is property of Vaseline.

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